You Were Gone
by Kelsey
Summary: Spike remembers what it was like when Buffy was gone, and realizes that it isn't really much different now that she's back.


****

You Were Gone

by

[Princess McPhee][1]

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and UPN have claim to Buffy, Spike, and the others mentioned. But the song (entitled 'You Are Gone') is _mine_. That's right, mine. So, permission required to use it. Thank you!

Author's Note: I write poetry, prose, novels, stories, long and short, so, I figured, what's branching out into one more thing? So, here's my first completed song, to go with a song-fic I wrote.

Summary: Spike thinks about what it was like when Buffy was gone, and how not all that much has actually changed now that she's back.

Rating: PG

> The moment I saw Buffy standing on that staircase, and realized it was really her, not the 'bot that I had so selfishly created in her image, because the real thing was too independent, all the memories of the months past came rushing back.
> 
> Sleepless night, wandering the town, patrolling, watching out neurotically for Dawn until the beasties went to bed.
> 
> Sleepless days, cooped up in my crypt, watching television and drumming my thumbs on stone and practicing my fighting skills. 
> 
> Staring at old photos of the Slayer.
> 
> And remembering why she didn't like me.
> 
> __
> 
> I lie awake  
Many a night  
Many a day  
I spend rememberin' your eyes  
Hope you still see  
Wherever you are  
Even beast of the earth  
Savages that we are
> 
> I tried to talk, at first. But no one wanted to. You were gone, and that was that. Willow was obsessed with bringing you back, Tara just wanted her Will back. Giles wanted to be alone, Dawn wanted to cry, Xander and Anya wanted comfort sex. But nobody wanted to talk.
> 
> They all realized that you couldn't hear.
> 
> That you were farther away from this dimension than I ever believed possible.
> 
> __
> 
> Can quickly fall silent  
When they see  
How far  
How far  
How far  
Far away you are
> 
> The Slayer was gone, over with. The 'bot kept up appearances, made it appear like everything was just fine in Slayer-central, but something was lacking without you around, and though the local demons couldn't put their fingers on it, they knew it too.
> 
> No one knew you were gone, yet everyone did.
> 
> __
> 
> You are gone  
In the open  
You are gone  
In the open  
You are gone  
In the open  
Of my heart  

> 
> At first, I'd want to think about you, for a long time at a stretch. Curl up with photos, get teary-eyed, sometimes even bawl. But never, ever, did I want to shut you out of my mind. Never did I want to do anything but think about you 24/7.
> 
> Eventually, though, when everyone refused to talk about you, my pain had no outlet, and it started burying itself. It started folding back in on itself, and with every day that passed, the pent-up feelings grew more and more unbearable, until, one lucky day, they started to fade.
> 
> Your memories were drowning in the sea of my own anguish.
> 
> __
> 
> You are gone  
In the ocean  
You are gone  
In the ocean  
You are gone  
In the ocean  
Of my heart  

> 
> Sometimes, it's still painful to think about you. To think about what happened, about they incredibly awful months without Buffy. Without someone to tease, without someone to play with, without someone to make crass comments to, and watch attempt to look offended.
> 
> It's hard to remember those times, because then I remember that all those times I thought about losing you, and how painful it would be, none of them came close to the real thing. None of them were within the widest margin of the anguish I felt when I realized you weren't coming back.
> 
> And now, even knowing that you're back, I know you could leave again. And this time, I know the real pain. I know what I would feel, if you left me again.
> 
> I would sooner throw myself upon a stake then feel those emotions again.
> 
> __
> 
> You still sink  
In the ocean  
You still sink  
In the ocean  
You still sink  
In the ocean  
Of my tears
> 
> It all happened so fast. When I think about it, it's one big blur from the beginning of the fight with Glory, to a time about three weeks after you died. To the first time when my thoughts functioned again, after your death.
> 
> You just left me, though. I shouldn't, but I feel betrayed by that. I loved you, and you left me. Left me alone to face the world. Alone to realize my own destiny, when you knew I was just beginning to grasp the monster that I didn't have to be.
> 
> You told me to watch Dawn, and you stepped off that tower.
> 
> You told me I'd be a friend if I'd just live, and make sure your little sis was safe.
> 
> You told me too many lies.
> 
> __
> 
> I don't what happened  
You just left  
Left me alone  
Undefenseless yet deft  
Told me to watch  
Your precious prize  
Told me I'd be a friend  
Told me many lies
> 
> I love you, Buffy, but I don't want any part of this again, if you're just going to leave me. I can't handle the pain. I know you don't think that I'm worthy of your love, and I know that until recently, you didn't think vampires could love at all. And I realize all of this. And I'll give you time, all the time in the world is mine to give you.
> 
> But I don't want to be your friend again, I don't want that superficial, slaying-buddies type of attitude between us again if you're going to leave me.
> 
> Because I couldn't take losing you, without showing you the real extent of my true feelings.
> 
> __
> 
> I don't want   
To be your friend  
If it means   
I lose again  
If it means  
I lose you  
Again
> 
> And yet, in all these meloncholy thoughts, I do rejoice. Because you are back, because there is an empty grave under Buffy Anne Summers' tombstone. Because you're back in my life, Slayer, and because Little Bit is happy, and because no matter where we might have ripped you from, it wasn't your time to go yet.
> 
> __
> 
> You were gone   
In the open  
You were gone  
In the open  
You were gone  
In the open  
Of my heart
> 
> You had nearly dispersed in the ocean of my heart.
> 
> And that couldn't have happened.
> 
> Because I would kill myself before forget you, Buffy.
> 
> __
> 
> You were gone  
In the ocean  
You were gone  
In the ocean  
You were gone  
In the ocean   
Of my heart
> 
> You're surfacing, ever so slowly. You're rising to the top, like air bubbles from a diver. You are fighting through the downward tide of my tears, and breaching the bubbling surface. You are sucking me down again, and sucking up my ocean of tears, and encompassing me again, instead of my heart encompassing you.
> 
> __
> 
> You were sunk  
In the ocean  
You were sunk  
In the ocean  
You were sunk  
In the ocean  
Of my tears
> 
> Yet they still rain down my face, in rivulets of salty water. Vampires don't cry blood, you know, we cry the same as a human, and it sticks to my skin as it dries, for I rarely bother to wipe it away anymore, so used to it am I.
> 
> I know I can live now. I can exist again, I can breathe not only when I want to speak, and the weight on my chest has been lifted, more than a little, I won't lie.
> 
> __
> 
> They'll not dry  
Though you're back  
They'll not dry  
Though I can hack  
Through the days   
Anything that comes
> 
> These tears won't dry until the day comes that you promise me something, Buffy.
> 
> This face won't be smooth, and unsticky, until the day comes that you promise me something, Slayer.
> 
> I won't rest, though I can live again, until I hear you tell me what I want to hear you say.
> 
> __
> 
> They'll not dry  
Though you're back  
They'll not dry  
Though I hack  
Until you promise  
You'll never   
Leave again
> 
> The day you tell me that you'll never leave again is the end of my sad existence, Buffy. Because on that day, I will be the happiest vampire in the world, and your confirmation of my worth will mean that my existence should never be sad again.
> 
> __
> 
> Until you promise  
You'll never  
Leave again

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   [1]: mailto:teneljade@netzero.net
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/buffy.html
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/b_afanfic.html



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